Not adulting

I hadn't anticipated not adulting today.  However, yesterday's little anxiety attack forced me to slow down to day.  I still want to go to the bookstore.  I get lost in a bookstore.  There is one bookstore I am particularly fond of now.  Just because I got to be still.  Is that odd? That sometimes my favorite moments have been doing nothing? Just being still.  But also Half Price.  Bargain books get me happy like a giddy little school girl.  I'm quite adorkable as a giddy little school girl.  Picktails and all.  Although, my hair is too short for that right now.  Speaking of which, my hair is one of my favorite things about me.  I'm thinking of streaking it or coloring it.  I don't know yet.  I figured I would do it for my birthday.  Back to not adulting.  So one of my best friends got anxious about her dog being checked on.  So I happily offered to check on him.  I even got the nerve to walk Mr. Doggy.  I think of him as my therapy dog.  I'm losing my other one.  She got into an altercation with a small dog and attacked it.  I get the idea she was backed into a corner and felt threatened by her size makes her an easy target.  So here I am...walking Mr. Doggy.  He tried to walk me but I got dominant on him fast and he responded.  We had a great walk until some stupid weiner dog got up in his face.  I barked at the owners and told them to get their dog away so my dog wouldn't react to theirs.  I mean..seriously???! I even pushed this shitty little thing.  My left leg was pushing the little dog when I saw Mr. Doggy staring it down.  Now, something to know.  Mr. Doggy is actually quite gentle.  I absolutely love this dog.  But he is still a big dog and I was unsure of how he would react to a dog in his space.  And I did have the fear of my friend with her dog...and well...you get the idea. "Mary" is losing her dog because of the attack.  She is heartbroken.  I am heartbroken for her.  And them for myself.  So as you can see...I didn't want to have this happen to Mr. Doggy.  I wound the leash on me quickly and told him stay back. Don't do anything.  Are we clear???! And pushed this little shit thing out of the way using the left side of my body.  I also noticed him drooling and that's his anxiety tell.  We went back to his home and I spent more time with him so he knew I wasn't leaving him just like that.  After all, I was feeling the stress myself.  We just cuddled at the end of the stairs and I told him he was such a good boy.  It's interesting sort of having a dog again.  I spend so much time here I feel like he's my dog too.  After all, I think of him as my therapy dog.  On a number of occasions when I am stressed he comes to me to just have him pet him and it calms me down.  Before I had a better hold on my anxiety he would just jump up and know.  I was diagnosed with mild anxiety a few years ago.  My Epilepsy medicine helps to taper that anxiety as well.  And I have been diligent on finding outlets and ways to manage my anxiety.  I imagine there is a twinge of PTSD that occurs within myself that I must work on.  I loathe support groups.  The few times I have gone, I don't fare well.  You would think with my social butterfly personality I would fit in...but I don't.  So adulting will not be done much today.  I feel better right now.  I'm not 100% but getting much better.  I realized something though.  That feeling of wholeness.  This weekend made me feel the most whole I had felt....ever.  90%.  That's huge.  I've been running on 60%...sometimes 70% on a good day.  But wow...90%.  It's amazing feeling to be appreciated and accepted for the person I am.  Loved even.  Every day I work on my confidence.  I try to take chances. I went nature walking by myself yesterday.  That was big for me.  I was scared at first.  But the voice that calms me quieted the fears...and out I went.  The day was still good...despite that stress.  I had lunch with one of my best friends.  We got to hang out afterwards.  I went and got a massage.   I needed one.   Out of the all the reasons I wanted to work affording my own massages was the reason.  Granted, I can charge it on my account that I have with Jeremy.  But the stubborn independent spirit in me doesn't like to.  It was a phenomenal massage.  I was supposed to get one from a friend but he sort of forgot he scheduled my massage on his boyfriend's birthday.  It made me very sad.  But I resolved all that when I checked around for massages and got one at the last minute.  And then checked on Mr. Doggy.  And then the stress.  I made a silly video to get my stress out.  Being silly helps in that way.  My goofiness and the willingness to make others laugh and smile with my antics relieves me stress.  Maybe because I know now how I make people feel.  The close ones to me but even the Facebook ones.  That I bring a sparkle to people's lives.  As JB said..go be glitterfull!!! The night ended well though.  Jeremy and I watched The mentalist.  We had the leftovers I made last night.  He loves my cooking.  That makes me happy. I love cooking now.  We snuggled together and watched it.  He took the night off from studying and we just spent time together before intertwine time. I have quiet spaces but with Jeremy I have quiet moments.,.the ones people don't see of him, me, or us.  Life doesn't always have it that you can do things you want or do at that very moment...because well...life happens.  So quiet spaces and quiet moments to remind you of what it's all about and remind you to appreciate that.  I've been spoiled with unsurmountable affection.  Normally, I would say I don't deserve that much affection.  Now....I say...it's about damn time!!!! I have arrived.