Well..shit...
Yesterday's emotional nervous breakdown was intense. However, it was necessary. 20 years necessary. I had been suppressing things for so long I think I didn't know the reality of my horror until my friend Jared made me face it. Thank you, you stubborn troll. Jeremy and my tribe were helping to have me face it but Jared is a special kind of friend that forces you to see it. Whether I wanted to or not. Normally, that would overwhelm someone. Me? I needed a safe environment and safe friend to make me see things. It was overwhelming but very cathartic. Yesterday, the flashbacks weren't flashbacks anymore. I finally allowed myself to remember the rape. And well.....it was horrifying but not. Hear me out. Javier wasn't violent. He did pin me down. But I didn't get the violent part of rape. In some ways I am grateful for that. In some ways it's worse. I knew my rapist. Hell, I dated him. I loved him. Correction. I still do. It's like some form of Stockholm syndrome. Intellectually, that's just some messed up shit. Emotionally, well that would be yesterday. This idea of what rape really is also troubling. Javier took that from me because he was angry I let another man touch. Never mind the fact he once again had cheated on me. It didn't occur to him to I was actually a person with feelings. Strangely, if he would have approached me as a mature person we might have come to a different outcome. I look at life differently. In fact, here's how I was at 19. I was a virgin. I wasn't ready for an intensity that sex seemed to bring. Javier wanted to have sex and each year he would ask on my birthday. I said no each time. So somewhere after my 18th birthday I suggested to him to actually lose his virginity. But not to me. That sounds so crazy to me people but I recognized it was a passage for him and I was okay. When the thing with JS happened, it was unexpected. JS and I have always connected. We rekindled our friendship. But nothing like back then. We're Facebook friends and I am happy that we stay connected in each other's lives. He has an amazing wife. The date was August 1. There is a picture of the day before. We looked so happy. But that was a farce. Javier didn't know how to love correctly if he didn't even love himself. I don't excuse him. He needs to be held accountable. Which he doesn't. He thinks I am stupid and batshit crazy. I know better now. He used manipulation and preyed on my insecurities. My intellect is a trigger for me because of my developmental disability. I am proud of my intellect when I actually give myself credit. I do look at the world differently. I had to in order to function sometimes. I didn't have dyslexia. However, I did and once in a while have trouble switching numbers like 21 and 12. Or Sound and sand. Things like that. It's why I am so fascinated with words. Rather than fear words...I jump right in and learn. I love learning. Which is why I gravitate towards intellectuals. It's like an energy I feed off of. Now you see why I adore nerds. I also appreciate the way they look at me. They understand my physical attributes are great. But it's my intellect and personality that shines. Because these attributes are temporary. Nerds and geeks and dorks take the time to get to know me. I'm like the prom queen or something. Which by damn coincidence I got to be...sort of. A BBQ and burger king crowns and Javier. But hey. Shithead wasn't always a monster. But he was a monster. I can recognize that now. I became a victim but I fought like a survivor. And what do you know ? I'm a fucking delicate flower. (Thank you , JB) People who become close to me have the power to crush me in two. Luckily, it would destroy Jeremy and those who love me and adore me. But I can at least acknowledge that people whom I have deep admiration and love for can destroy me if they wanted to. I was scared by admitting that I would fall into a deep hole of depression that I might not get out of. I'd become a statistic. I was trying to figure out why I was fighting the description. I really didn't know until I realized I'd been suppressing it. What I failed to see was that I have people that love me. They are my anchors. They are my safety nets. They are there to tell me it's okay. They are there to tell me it's okay to cry. They are there to tell me I am not weak. They are there to tell me it wasn't my fault. They are there to metaphorically kick me in the butt. And luckily I have tribe. More than one person does this. But one person put their foot down and got in my face metaphorically for it. So today...I look at my new perspective of being an amazing and inspiring woman. I used to have to construct different aspects of my personality in order to function and survive. I even named them. Squirly, Genna (Harley) Jess (Yes...even me was in there somewhere!) Pria. Today is the first time I saw the accumulation of all the personalities in one. And her name is Glitter bomb or Sparklepuss. It sounds so stripper name. I love it. I'm inappopriate. I'm a pervert. I don't apologize. I have a refined version for reality. Pria tends to help with that. Squirly is my child like version. She is also the one that got raped. Genna (Harley) is the unapologetic bitchy side to me. She takes what she wants. And then Jess. The one that is trying to figure it all. I'm in there. I just needed to find my voice. I swear. I need to write a book about my life. I am but not about my life. But maybe I should. We'll see. Thank you for reading this. It's an honor that you take interest in my blog whether one entry or every day. It melts my heart. So the saying..To get better, they get worse first. Indeed they do. But what a beautiful thing to watch that transformation.
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