Yesterday was a draining day. So many stresses were on the table. So much...I had a seizure. But from that craziness came positive. And I love positive from negatives. Lynsey and I took Indy for a walk again. It was beautiful bonding time with her. An incident with the dog happened again. Only this time we recorded. I started having an anxiety attack. I explained what it felt like. Think of people after a trauma happens. They say people go into shock. That's what my anxiety attack feels like. Lynsey was amazing and protective and I was so grateful to have this wonderful person who cared for me deeply. Not because I was her sister's best friend. But because I simply was Jess. She sees something in me that she wants to be near and loves my energy. Then, another incident with stress regarding a painting job added to my stress. I didn't want to fight what I thought was very inconsiderate. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be right. This was that time. And then losing a friendship. Acknowledging the death of a friendship by saying goodbye. There is hope in the future. But I really don't know. We care deeply for each other but I might be more harm than good for her. And she is an emotional trigger for me. 7 years of friendship. It's like mourning a death. But it might have been a cancerous one. And it might be something I need to let go. Intellectually, I think it's best to let go completely. Emotionally, I can't even dream the idea of completely letting go. As draining as it was I ended the night beautifully talking to two of my best friends. Those crazy kids. The couple that has helped me so much with this journey of healing. Somewhere in time is playing by Danny Wright. How fitting. Ray of light is such a vivacious and strong and beautiful person that she pushes me to be heard. And JB refuses to let me think of myself anything other than this amazing beautiful soul. When you go from the depths of fear and insecurities where I used to think the worst of myself to hearing such kind words, it does something to your soul. It is overwhelming at times. In a good way. And strangely, out of the woodwork. This week I had several people point out or mention this beautiful vulnerability, shine, radiance, sparkle, smile, new look to me. Even some who can't see my face said my voice has changed. My words have changed. That there is a change in me. Taking in a day. Today I am reflecting. I had to regroup. I really wanted to do my nature walk but as my dear one said. Health first! Sweet Friend helped me to see things about the loss of my friendship. Little One can't wait to see me. Red and I had a beautiful chat about things. We had a beautiful chat about Brody. This weekend I will be taking things down regarding Brody. I had given myself a deadline. November 3 @ 7:10 am he passed. But this Saturday I will take things down. To some pets are pets. For me, Brody was something else. My fur son. My companion for 13 years. I still have Whiskers. But these two have been with me since my divorce. She's 14 years old. I sent something Nat and she said...how do you always know when I need that??? Bob, I don't talk to much. I don't need to. We are just familia. And then Jeremy. For better or worse we love each other. And sometimes we aren't nice to each other. I actually like that about us. We're humans. We're going to say things that just seem rude to each other and bother each other. We learn. Or we say things that others might think are rude and we think our funny and it's our own little language. We're a couple of 12 year olds sometimes. Love sick kids figuring life out...together. My partner in crime. Go get a tribe. Find people that love, embrace, celebrate YOU. Find people that accept you and love you unconditionally. That love you for better or worse. That don't just stick around for the pretty parts. That stick around when the ugly happens. That no matter what....love you for you. My tribe loves me for me. That is the best feeling in the world. CC is also a big part of this healing. She gets my pain. She gets it because she was me once with Javier. And I didn't realize we've been each other at different times in our lives. I thought I was the original. No....I was the copy. And then I became the original. And then she became the copy. He was angry at her for not being me. And he fell in love with me because he wanted me to be her. How insane is that??! See...the strange part is CC and I knew each other back in the day because she was Javier's best friend's sister. And her brother was like a brother to me. But I didn't meet ex wife CC until recently. So Life time channel!!! Maybe we should write a book or something. And here I thought my life was quiet. I got crazy stories. I also found yesterday that my best friend Ray of Light's friend Tori is cousins to my friend Atalie. Life....just start chuckling. I am. Taking in the day.....Taking in a day
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