Friday, October 9, 2015

A gesture


It's something I was very aware of last night. Jeremy and I had a beautiful conversation and night last night.  This new perspective on life...this new way of seeing things has opened up our eyes.  And quite honestly, our marriage.  The push for the truth, while very painful for me was a necessary action in order to have a certain freedom of expression in our marriage.  I don't regret the pain.  Because there is such beauty afterwards.  A gesture. That is what overcame me last night.  The gesture itself was the conversation being had.  Jeremy is an extraordinary man.  I can't imagine another man taking on the beautiful but stressful task of walking hand in hand with me on my journey.  I've had different phases of my journey.  I reflect now and such peace comes over me regarding my life that I hadn't seen before because I was blinded by the pain.  I was discrediting the fascinating amazing life that I have lived myself.  I've often wondered how Jeremy fell in love with me.  He isn't sure himself.  He said he just somehow knew.  He just felt this line of connection with me.  That we were saying much more when we said nothing.  That there was an understanding between us.  I remember my imagination taking me places I hadn't ventured.  He was taken.  I respected that.  I was in his wedding for goodness sake.  I was a family friend.  I was part of him and his wife's life.  But as life happened without any doing from me they got divorced.  They were unable to have the relationship they both expected to have.  I did cry that day he told me.  I recognize that Sandra needed to process her divorce.  Granted, I think she was ready for her divorce since she had moved on with Clint..but still.  While I reserve some judgement for her treatment towards the love of my life...it's not without some understanding what she was going through and the struggles she had to be the wife he wanted and needed her to be.  I'm human.  I may not agree on how someone treats a precious treasure I see before me.  But I also understand that sometimes it's not my place to speak up and address that.  It's a delicate balance.  As it happens...all worked out.  I am now married to an extraordinary man.  I am friends and co mother with Sandra.  It is nice to have reconnected our friendship.  We share a man we loved.  Good, bad, or the other essence of life.  It's something I also reflect on.  I look around my life.  My life hasn't been about coloring within the lines. And I am glad of that.  I have forged my own path.  I have forged a way of looking at life that maybe, just maybe goes against any grain of what everyone else is thinking.  I may stand alone in my thoughts, my actions, and my way of life.  But I have Jeremy.  He walks side by side with me as I do this.  We share thoughts, ideas, opinions.  We have what you call the intellectual feels.  I had my feels all along.  I was just in too much pain to notice because he like it or not, is a reminder of Javier.  He knew Javier. He was friends with Javier.  This is much a painful thing for Jeremy as it is for me...watching the love of your life...never knowing the pain she was enduring because she was afraid to tell anyone.  Luckily, I have many others like my father and one of my best friends that want to rip him apart and have him choke on his own shit.  In reality, I don't want that.  Javier is such a loser now...such beyond pathetic now that he's not worth it.  I removed the power he has over me.  He's no longer the person who belittled me with my intelligence because he was any better.  He was the narcissist that couldn't love himself, let alone a strong and beautiful woman in front of him.  Frankly, I was too much woman for him.  I needed a man who can handle this much woman.  I needed a man who could handle the intellectual brilliance I have.  I needed a man who understood the sexual goddess I really can be.  I needed a man who understood that while I was a very strong warrior of a woman that sometimes, just sometimes I need to be protected...and loved...and hugged...and told it's going to be okay.  That sometimes I wanted to have strong arms envelop me and hold.  That I needed to be enough.  That I was enough. That who I am...right now...is ENOUGH. MORE THAN ENOUGH.  That being with me makes them feel safe....and loved....and accepted....and that they feel incredible because they get to have me.  Those were never words Javier was going to utter.  Sweet Escape by Paul Cardall is on.  I am starting to get it.  The light bulb has finally lit up.  I am a beautiful unicorn princess that sparkles.  I am a queen that takes care of my King.  I am a fairy that lights up the world.  I am Sparklepuss, the superhero for the survivors .  I am a superhero for those who need one.  I am still Squirly, Genna, Jess, and Pria.  They just seem to be collective now.  I've been compartmentalizing myself for so long it seems natural to do that in my life.  And sometimes for others. It's interesting psychology to look at all this.  To reflect on this with new eyes. It was very emotional to go to the Rape Crisis Center yesterday.  But having Dear One there was beyond what I could ask for.  And my beautiful tribe holding my hand virtually while I was doing this.  As it happens, I got to talk to the last member of the tribe who has been out of contact because they're in the service and unable to connect.  The Universe was smiling on me and gave me the last of my tribe.  I also have a new and unexpected honorary member.  Javier's ex wife, Cecilia.  I may blog about my experience and you get an image, an essence of my horrors....but you don't realize that she was dealing with it too.  She is a survivor of Javier too.  And with children, no less.  He gave her the physical horror.  And the emotional abuse.  We both share that type of abuse.  He emotionally beat us down.  But oh the warrior queen she is.  She reminds me of me.  Her friendship has opened my eyes. Her friendship has opened a door to healing.  Her friendship has given me a dream of something I hadn't even entertained.....wholeness.  Wholeness.  So think about that when you have a gesture.Whether received or given.  That gesture could be the very thing they need in order to heal...love....express....anything.  A gesture shows how much you love that person, admire that person, think about that person....A gesture could save someone's life one day.  Something to think about.......

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