Butterfly transformation

It's amazing the journey I will take now.  I call it butterfly transformation.  I have fallen in love with someone.  Myself.  There are sides and aspects of myself I haven't really explored or buried so deep and denied it's like learning a new person.  I did an experiment the other day of how much I discredited myself in a day.  It was quite disturbing.  However, out of that experiment I decided on doing small things to give myself credit.  I can even do experiments on words like stupid...and delicate flower.  Which before might have triggered some deep seeded pathology that I hadn't dealt with yet.  For the Love of a Princess is playing right now.  Thank you, Pandora lol But it reminds me of the place that I need to remember how incredibly beautiful and strong I really am.  I happen to say aloud this weekend the horror stories that have been my life.  I said with such a stoic expression I don't even think I knew what I was saying aloud.  I've been thrown against a wall.  I've been thrown against a steering wheel.  I've been been put on my second husband's (wow...I really finally said that) I'd been calling Woody my first husband so long.  I have been married 3 times but the first one to Javier I did in order for him to continue raping me and I wouldn't see it like that.  It was to make myself feel that what he was doing was okay.  Let that sink in.  That's how disturbingly messed up these monsters put us that we have to convince ourselves to do things that otherwise are just not right.  Moving on.  Woody pulled my jeans down and put me over his lap like a child all while holding me down roughly and spanked me. He also was drunk one night and I made a crass remark on farting and he had a bottle in his hand and pushed it up my rectum.  That's right. Just imagine that.  And strangely, that memory is less traumatic than rape.  Rape destroys you.  How I didn't try to commit suicide...I will never know.  Falling in love with Rickard, someone who deserved my love was the thing I needed to get out of my hell with Javier.  Rickard and I didn't work out.  We were young and stupid. There I said it.  Stupid.  But it's been a beautiful experience getting my friend back.  We are Facebook friends now and I help him with relationship advice since I am in a unique position of being a friend and an ex girlfriend.  We love each other.  We always have.  But we're not in love with each other.  Our 22 year old versions are.  He's also whom I willingly gave my virginity to.  Angel Eyes is playing now.  I always get affected by that song.  Imagine a song that has no words and yet speaks to you on so many levels and different things at different times.  Like the person it reminds me of it's a work of art.  Squirrel.  Back to the story. Rape is horrible because not only does it mean a slew of boundary violations but your trust issues, your pathology, your way of handing sex, your relationships are affected by everything about it.  Your everyday even becomes affected.  You just don't tell people.  My Neurologist at the time, Dr. Tarbox, informed me it was a great possibility that my partial complex seizures might have come back because I was raped.  But out of all that tragedy...and I tell you all this not for pity.  I tell you this because of the beautiful transformation that I have.  That I am emerging into this spectacular woman.  I call her Sparklepuss.  In fact, it's the first Monday that I don't necessarily see the fractured parts that I named.  Squirly, Genna, Jess, and Pria are there.  But they exist under this magnificent essence that is Sparklepuss.  When you have someone telling you things you can't imagine of yourself you fight with every being that they must be liars or they are so blind they can't see that I am a fraud.  I'm not really that person they say I am.  What I had to do was have last Thursday.  Because I wasn't facing my own truth. How was I going to face the truth that by being a rape survivor, being the adventurous person I am, being the intellectual that I am, being the open minded individual that I am...How could someone not adore me? Strong, huh? Almost arrogant. That's how I would've seen it.  Now...all I am recognizing is that I understand the adoration now.  I understand what people are seeing of me.  Because like them, I am seeing me.  I get to watch this butterfly transformation of myself like a movie.  I'm watching it along with them.  Even I don't know the ins and outs of this interesting movie.  But I can tell you, this story inspires me.
I keep saying I need to write my own story.  But I am so close to the story I think I need a ghost writer.  So maybe after figuring out things and goals that will be what I do.  One of my dreams is to write a book.  I have started writing a book.  One of the other dreams is taking Jeremy and I to Ireland.  And I have a job now that allows me to do that.  I love my job.  I help.  I make people smile.  I am contributing.  I am influencing.  And my bosses are amazing.  They take the time to understand that I am not always going to be 100%. And that's okay.  Because I get the job done and I rock at it when I do have my energy and not dealing with the condition.  Because it's always there.  I run on different levels. Thank you for reading this.  It's a beautiful journey.  I had one of the best weekends of my life.  I opened my eyes to new things.  I took chances.  I let myself be authentic Jess to the fullest extent.  And here's the thing....it really is the simple things.  Nothing happened that was so out there.  It was just that I was beyond happy.  And the simple thing became a not so simple thing.  Whew.  Well..now that I wrote a book here.. lol I still smile.  But the smile is more genuine now.  I was often crying on the inside.  I still cry.  In fact, guess what? I'm crying right now.  The little trickles of tears coming down.  I don't care.  I am a sensitive soul.  It's just who I am.  I am an empath.  I feel things on a different level from everything.  I am an open minded person.  I don't always see society and go by their rules.  I am Sparklepuss.  Don't blame me for that name.  You'll have to blame the gift that is one friend that is too damn stubborn for their own good and kicked me in the ovaries. You damn fucking stubborn troll. I am refined but fucking A.  I talk like a sailor when I think of how stubborn people can be.  In a good way.  It reminds me of the beauty that is our humanity in general.  One day I hope I am a stubborn troll for someone. More than one person.  The kind that won't give up on you.  Take your day on.  Smile.  Give one compliment.  Be spectacular.  Because ...you are, world.  Everyone that reads this brings something to the table they might not know yet.  I don't need to know who you are.  I just know that you are spectacular in your way.  You have gifts to bring.  You have contribution.  And you need to read that.

P.S. Did I ever tell you that Javier introduced me to Jeremy? How crazy is that???