Friday, April 21, 2017

An Open Letter to myself

Geez, Jess.

Just when I think I have life figured it out, life gives me wrenches and loops.  More often than not, it leans more negative than positive for those wrenches and loops.  However, once in a while, there is a day, or a moment , even where that wrench or loop changes you.  That positive loop reminds you of the beauty and hope in a sometimes dismal world.  The scene is not important.'s important to me but there are still moments in my life I like to keep to myself.  But the emotional change felt in me is important.  It stirred such a peaceful energy that I was beside myself.  Waves of Light by Deuter is on.  Wave.  That's a good description to call this.  A wave of peace.  Jess, you are an interesting person.  Your child does hold some drama and trauma.  I'll give you that.  Examples: your cousin pointing a gun at your head while he was high.  A freak accident with falling out of a truck.  A guy trying to impress you, and knifing you.  And numerous times you injured yourself in sports.  Oh, and the Epilepsy and struggle with your learning disability.  Still, you remain strong.  You had a fighting spirit.  You stopped having it at 19.  You became broken.  Something inside died.  And you had no idea how to get it back.  or how to heal.  Or how to explain this pain inside that didn't leave visible scars but just the same, affected exactly how you functioned.  It would take you 20 years of learning lessons, pain, joy, and most of all, steps, towards that healing journey to become a whole person.  A dream you never thought was possible.  You learned not only to survive but thrive and become the beautiful person people already saw.  But that you saw.  And I don't mean physical.  I never doubted my physical beauty.  I doubted my value.  I doubted my worthiness to take space in the world.  I doubted my intellect.  I doubted I mattered to anyone.  Or that my thoughts and opinions meant anything.  I craved to be substantial.  All I ever Wanted by Jim Brickman is on.  The Universe smiles.  What a perfect song.  All I ever wanted was this whole.  And here you are.  You get to tell yourself you are whole.  Are there cracks still here and there? Yes.  In fact, those imperfections are something you chose to leave there because it makes your story and you, more beautiful.  More substantial.  My ex husband, Woody's birthday is today.  I remember dates.  August 1.  March 16.  April 8.  December 1.  Those are just dates in my story that play a big role in my life.  I did find out something rather odd and wonderful about him, though.  Through grapevine of sorts, I found out the name of his second son.  Xavier.  That's right.  The name of my rapist.  Now, on first look, someone might think this is a negative.  No no.  Woody knows my story.  Every man that got to love me learned that story so I could help them understand  why I am the way I am.  I imagine his wife picked the name.  But hey okayed it.  Knowing its backstory.  I cried tears of joy.  Because there is a beautiful baby boy that the Universe is putting into the world.  It's hard to explain.  Just know...I found this as a positive.  And appreciated my ex husband in a new way.  We were not meant for each other.  We could not appreciate each other like our current spouses do.  No one can appreciate and love me like Jeremy does.  He may be clumsy at times.  But that man loves me with all of his being.  And values me as this amazing woman.  And I got to see it in writing!!! lol So, Jess...
as you get ready for work....take a minute to remember how far you've come.  To appreciate the beautiful people in your life.  Even the beautiful people who are no longer in your life.  And smile.  You are amazing.  A silly Unicorn, Queen Sparkles.  Never let anyone dim that sparkle and shine.  Because it shines brightly.  Do you understand me?

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