Thursday, April 13, 2017

There's that

My job does have an occupational hazard.  Saying good bye to a client can be tough.  I'm doing that today.  There's that.  I rested up to prepare for the emotional drain.  I know myself well enough.  I feel better rested.  Connection is so important. It was something I was talking about, this morning, with a friend.  I was telling her I see it when I smile with people I care about or smile when we talk.   I love my morning texts to my panel.  4 amazing people with different personalities.  Different perspectives.  Sometimes, it's about affirmations.  Sometimes, it's about things happening.  Like a day like today.  Or whether a supporting character in the story of my life randomly popped up, my DNA results etc ...We talk about dreams, fears, perspectives, character traits, healing, etc.  There isn't anything we don't talk about.  or that I don't share with one but not the other.  If it happens, it's more like a life thing.  Not because I can't share.  Rocket to the Moon by Jim Brickman is on.  I haven't heard this song before.  It's on Angel Eyes Radio.  I usually have it on Spa Radio when I blog but it was an Angel Eyes Radio kind of day.  Oh wow....The Goodbye by Jeanine Tesori just came on.  How interesting.  I love also giving you soundtrack to my blog.  You know what I was listening to when I was writing.  And you might go and check out some of the music yourself.  I love when I share youtube videos too.  I like sharing, in general.  It feels like some version of connection even if we never talk, per se.  Each of you readers has a different reason for reading me.  Sometimes you need a narrative to a story playing.  Sometimes you might need a reference to a problem I'm having and you might have it too and I share my take.  Sometimes, you need to know someone cares about you or that I think of my beautiful space.  Yes, bloggers.  I think of you.  I imagine what you are doing in your lives.  Remember, it's not jut US that reads me at this point.  It's places all over the world.  Even if just one is reading me.  France, you blow me away.  That's all I have to say.  Sometimes, you need a routine.  Let's check out that woman Jessica K's blog.  Sometimes you need to feel a connection.  Whether you're a friend reading me, where I actually know you.  Or a stranger reading me where I don't.  I stopped asking people about reading my blog. Some have revealed they read my blog.  Some I'll never know that they did.  And that's okay.  In fact, it's better.  When I started this blog I really didn't know what I would have to write about.  I mean...what thoughts were important that anyone would want to read them? It's been suggested IRL that perhaps at times it felt like a bashing session on people.  It wasn't.  It was my hurts spilling out to the page.  It wa,s in a  sense like a diary.  But I am sorry if I hurt anyone by it.  And then, it took on a life of its own regarding my healing journey.  When someone gets raped, people think about the more physical part of it.  You can get over it.  Or don't think about what happened. But there is more emotional damage that people can't see with the scars that remain.    I blocked it out enough to continue with life.  I created aspects of my life to continue with life.  Welcome to coping mechanisms for a survivor.  At least for this survivor, that is what happened.  However, my emotional radar and my emotional capacity to handle pain sort of busted.  I was on my way to healing when I fell apart inside.  I started all over again.  And better this time.  I had to fall apart.  Because it wasn't time for me to meet my rapist after all these years.  It wasn't time to report him.  It wasn't time to go to the Rape Crisis Center and sit down with Kate.  That's how I feel.  Things fell into place because it was the right time.  And this time around, I was ready.  I was ready to heal myself.  And here's another thing for my journey that I do.  You get to see the face of a survivor.  You get to see the smile.  I even show you my tears sometimes.  I show you that vulnerability because it's important to see it.  Do I think you'll judge me? Sure.  Am I worried you will. Yes! After all, you're a faceless audience for me.  I don't know who reads me.  And yet, that space.  That beautiful quiet space is exactly why I can connect to you.  I do this blog for me.  But I also do this blog for you.  Connection.  So, think of me today, when I go to work.  I will be emotional inside and trying to hold it together.  I connected immensely with this assignment.  It will be tough to say goodbye.

No comments:

Post a Comment