Monday, April 17, 2017

Does it?

They say time heals all wounds.  They say death becomes easier to handle as time goes by.  Does it? My Grandma passed away 15 years ago.  That seems like a lifetime ago.  In some ways it was.  Back then, I was Jessica Moser, a military wife.  And yet, yesterday as festivities of Easter played around and pictures could be seen in Facebook, it still hit me hard.  It hit me the hardest when I saw some Easter Eggs in a basket.  Except for an exception of two, we haven't celebrated Easter.  It's too much of a reminder of her.  You could argue we should.  We celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving, after all.  But Easter...I took a minute to catch my breath.  And I got through it.  I'd say because I had a secret weapon or arsenal for myself.  And I'm married to him.  Certain situations that only I can understand why they're significant to me have had me face my inner demons.  I guess this was a test of how much I had grown.  Yes.  I had a tear or two.  But I went back in and continued.  I simply asked for dimes so I could take them to her house.  Something I always do.  Only, this time, the owners were there.  I could, as always just go quickly and put them on the tree I usually set them on.  Instead, I approached them.  Unfortunately, there was a language gap.  Luckily, a young man, a nephew, I presume, helped out.  I set the dimes on the tree and left.  The Traveler by Paul Cardall is on.  And now Mending your own Mind by Dean Evenson.  That makes me smile.  Mending my own mind.  That's a good way of looking at this.  If someone were to ask if Death becomes easier with time.  I'd have to say no.  Her death pains me as much as the day her hand was in mine.  I held her hand as she passed.  It hurt again as I did the same for Jeremy's Grandpa.  And that was a gift I gave to Jeremy.  To be there for him when he couldn't.  I was the most suitable person for the situation.  And he gave me that gift.  Trusting me in that moment to be there for our family members.  But no....for me, death doesn't become easier.  Neither does loss for that matter.  I accept my reality.  I accept people no longer in my life, whether by death or circumstances.  I accepted my divorce like that.  Honestly, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to cope with someone's death.  People cope with life and pain differently.  That's what makes their personality.  On a car ride over. a strange conversation emerged from Jeremy and I.  But in the end, the point I was making was THAT event changed who I would become.  While people tell you don't let it define you, it does.  What I think they're wanting to say is don't let it define how you live your life.  My thoughts and values manifested from that and other events.  But that was the most...traumatic one.  Which sounds strange aloud with some of the things I have shared about my ex husband and ex boyfriend.  But they wouldn't have existed if I knew my value then.  I told Jeremy I respect his opinion.  I value it immensely.  But in the end, it's just that.  An opinion.  That's the difference in where I see my value.  Maybe my pain has changed too because of healing.  I cried a few tears but I was able to go back in and continue.  That's something to think about.  In the meantime, I need to get ready for work.  I'm filling in.

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