A new chapter

Today is a new chapter.  Where to begin all this? I will always protect certain details because this matter is a private one but perhaps I can shed light on my world.  Because of my Epilepsy I have to maintain my stress levels.  I have left toxic friends before.  I stayed longer than I should have.  I have a compassionate heart.  It gets me in trouble with toxic friends.  Let's call this toxic friend...."Sue".  And let's call the other friend "Joe".  Sue and Joe in the past had marriage issues.  Much of her actions due in part. But in some ways, he wasn't stepping up to be the kind of husband she needed.  They were on their way to divorce some time back.  I tried helping.  In the end, it seemed like things were better.  I thought they were anyways.  But I started working for them.  I look back and realized that was a bad idea but I needed to see that.  I might still be friends with them if I hadn't.  And in the long run, I need to not be friends with them.  Sue has anger issues.  She constantly raised her voice.  She was quick to anger.  The most dramatic one is when she gave me a seizure, not because she was mad at me...but that she turned all her anger on the person she was angry with and forget it wasn't that person.  I tried stopping her and she got combative and also shut down her feelings on me.  I ended up having a seizure.  I went outside and cried.  The other time was recently.  It wasn't a full on seizure.  My job description is not to carry sofas.  I am a petite woman.  And yet, here I was carrying a sofa upstairs with her.  It couldn't fit and so she unhinged the door. She was supposed to leave soon for an "appointment".  I told her about the time constraint and she raised her voice.  I left it alone but my left side felt spikes.  Finally, she just figured she would leave it for Joe to handle these sofas.  It was a delayed reaction...but I suddenly realized...you're leaving it for Joe AND me to handle.  So I carried 4 sofas up the stairs.  He tried to minmize by saying they are not that heavy.  That's his thing.  But they were f*cking sofas.  And shelves she wanted me to put together.  Whether it's my developmental disability or IKEA just makes you feel dumb...I couldn't figure it out and "Joe" helped to put it together.  All while home schooling the kids.  But we got it done.  I was proud of my best friend and I.  He looked stressed at one particular time and I hugged him.  He had been trying to get a nap for some time.  His job takes a toll on him and can be stressful at times so I felt awful he wasn't getting that much needed nap.  I don't tell him I am hurting physically.  I am little mrs. Strong.  I am not going to show my pain.  But I could feel it the next day.  And I didn't sleep well.  It was a strain on my body.  All so she could look at a horse.  That was her appointment.  Priorities much.  But "Sue" is a selfish spoiled woman.  Joe loves her and wants to please her so much he doesn't see he enables her behavior.  He tells me he tells her no...but I never really saw that.  And sometimes I wondered if my bringing it out would sound either like meddling or some weird I'm trying to get your man feeling.  Because in the end, she got this bizarre idea of something.  I was close to Joe.  Was I attracted to Joe? Yes.  But I am a married woman.  And I love my husband.  I have a code.  Was Joe attracted to me. Yes. But there again. He lived by a code too.  And we're human.  Attractedness doesn't suggest cheating.  But "Sue" was so insecure it became like being on eggshells. Besides the environment  I was in with her anger...her insecurities got the best of her.  And the last 3 days I was getting texts that were so hurtful. She called me a coward.  And said I could troll my way to her house to get my shit out of her house.  Sad part. It wasn't my shit.  It was gifts I had gotten him after a very painful and stressful day for him.  I had been trying to cheer him up...with a troll.  Because I am a stubborn troll of a friend.  hahhah right? lol Is there more to this story ? Yes.  But I am not inclined to say.  What I can tell you is I am as forthcoming as I can possibly be.  I don't like lying.  I don't like deception.  I always worry about someone feeling foolish about believing said lie.  So I am just upfront.  It's why I hate surprises. Even if  it's a nice deceit of sorts like a birthday surprise but I can't handle it.  Weird...right??? I was upfront with my own husband about my attraction with Joe. It didn't affect our marriage.  In fact, he appreciated my candor. Authentic me means not hiding things, most especially to Jeremy.  My no no was having a discussion once on their dime.  I was willing to pay them back for that misstep but she said never mind.  "Joe" called me one of the most forthcoming and honest people he had ever met.  That meant gold.  I try to be the most positive impact on people's lives.  But me being there...suddenly I was anything but.  Not that it was anything I was doing or not.  Just me, in general.  He often complimented me on how I was with Jeremy.  And I work really hard to be a good wife for Jeremy.  Jeremy deserves that.  And it was "Joe" that helped me see that Jeremy had it in him to be that emotionally available person.  I am very grateful for that.  "Sue" unfriended me yesterday.  I didn't want to but I've had trust issues in the past regarding people around someone that has unfriended me.  So I unfriended people she was associated with. "Joe"  the last one.  I actually texted him and asked his advice.  He said I don't know.  I've since erased the text but basically he wanted to reflect on it.  And something about looking inward rather than outward was in order.  Very intellectual and philosophical person.  And just a genuinely good human being.  You know those types.  But the more I thought about it...the more I realized I couldn't do this to him.  He was her husband.  And I needed to be respectful.  So yesterday....I did one of the hardes things I had to do....was unfriend my best friend.  She long stopped being my best friend because of the way she was treating me.  I lost my best friend, Joe yesterday.  But I know I did the right thing.  They need to work on their marriage and it can't happen with me there.  I'm some kind of bad apple.  I had to get reminders that this wasn't my fault.  I still want to blame myself. Could I do things differently? Could I have changed things? And the answer is no.  Their problems were their before I got there.  They will be there after.  All I did was show them.  And her insecurities.  I am insecure too.  But I don't lash out at my female friends for it.  I often smile and clap that my husband gets female attention.  I am secure enough to know I am the best thing to ever happened to him.  Thank you , "Joe". Thank you for showing me my value and worth and giving me that confidence.  There is a protocol and respect.  I call it the girl rules.  Flirting is acceptable to me.  Just be respectful of my place as his wife.  So that tornado is over.  It was too intense.  They are too intense.  And through a mutual friend I realized she wasn't being honest.  She was only giving small details that made me look bad.  Like I chased "Joe".  No. "Sue".  I would not put my marriage in jeopardy.  "Joe" is not Jeremy.  Maybe you would.  Maybe you were projecting because you have..But no...I AM NOT YOU.
So...here I am...with a new chapter.  Boring never looked so good lol.  I was tired of her bunny trails.  She was constantly late.  She wouldn't text me. I felt disrespected but because of her painful past..well I let things go.  Well...bitch...we all got stories.....and guess what...I have a painful past.  But I don't use it as an excuse. Jeremy always did think she was a bitch.  He only tolerated her for my sake and to preserve my friendship with Joe.  Joe and Jeremy were friends.  Jeremy liked Joe.  Joe never crossed boundaries with me or disrespect Jeremy, even with the knowledge that Joe was attracted to me too.  So today....today I feel a sense of peace.  I am rid of that tornado.  And while I hurt that it means "Joe" too.  He chose this life.  And I chose my health, my mental and physical one.  Good bye, "Joe".  You used to be able to read my blog every day.  I hardly think you can now.  But if you can...I am sorry.  I am so sorry for this.  One last affirmation for you Mr. Awesome Sauce...
You are extraordinary individual.  I was flattered and honored to be bestowed the role of best friend.  Your kindness is legendary.  You have such depth and warmth.  I loved the intellectual talks.  You helped me to find my intellect again, where Javier had taken that from me.  You helped me see what an extraordinary man Jeremy was.  You helped me to go counseling and get help.  You are a blessing, though you were Athiest lol Thank you for always being respectful to Jeremy.  It showed your character and integrity.  You, sir have integrity....in volumes.  "Sue" is lucky to have you.  I hope she sees that.  I hope that my being gone helps her to see that and you two actually get in a good place in your marriage.  I only want you happy.  Because you deserve it, my dearest friend.  You are gift to the world.

Thank you...thank you readers...or whomever reads this.  The pains we go through in life are lessons that help us out.  I learned many on this journey.  I don't regret meeting "Sue and Joe".  And not all days were bad with "Sue".  I loved "Sue".  Anger doesn't resolve anything.  Anger only fuels combative behavior, and at its very worst...hate.

Sparklepuss, the pirate princess  may  have died yesterday. She died a magical fairy too.   But Jess is still here and the Queen emerges.  I am Jess, Queen...just Queen.