Consistent

This situation I am experiencing.  I was thinking about it last night.  I think about it around a certain time in the morning too.  Here's what I came up with.  If nothing else, I am consistent.  If I can help it, I am one of the most forthcoming people I can possibly be.  Is there a sense of lying by omission. Yes.  Unless you downright ask me a question directly, I am not going to offer information.  Although, if I am doing it, chances are it's because I'm protecting someone.  And right now, whether I should or not, I am protecting someone.  So with me not giving all the information, let me find a way around it because this is my blog...and I write about my thoughts.  Way back when I was trying to be friends with someone who is one of my best friends now, our journey didn't come easy.  We had actually been friends for years but an event in her life changed how I saw the authentic person.  That's something I like about people.  Them being their authentic self.  Here's what I don't like.  I don't like being deceived. Then again, who does.  And I don't like being a part of deceit.  That's why I do things so upfront it seems bizarre.  I mean, think about it...how do you keep up with the lies? I guess some people are better with lies and deceit then I am.  But this idea of authentic means I am going to be my consistent self.  And my consistency is I love with all of my heart and soul.  Sometimes that's "too much for someone".  Or sometimes it's something entirely out of my hands but nonetheless, I feel responsible and hold myself accountable.  Right now, my biggest struggle is being the source of dissent.  In my mind, I didn't actually do wrong.  I was upfront.  I didn't hide.  So that's part of it.  The other part is, I am done enabling someone.  I let someone step over my boundaries constantly and used kid gloves on them because I didn't feel they were at a place for me to really tell them the truth.  That they were a spoiled selfish person that bulldozed over people.  And then, I wondered if it was my place to say that.  So...I said nothing.  I encountered combative behavior when I did try to point out things.   I thought I was doing it out of love for a friendship.  Only, I realized selfishly, I was doing it out of not wanting to lose something precious.  And life doesn't work out that way.  I had always promised that if it came down to it I would understand being thrown under the bus.  I don't know if they ever got what I meant.  That I would sacrifice myself and walk away.  And while the person who wants to cut me off, did just that....I gave them the power to do that.  Because I wouldn't have.  My personality takes things like that.  I've been doing it for years.  Why was I going to stop now? Especially, if selfishly, I was still able to see the treasure.  So right now, I am relieved. I am sad. But I am relieved.  Because I realized a conversation had about choices.  Jeremy and I were talking about it this morning.  People make choices all the time.  And the choices being made here...funny enough I understand them.  And from a distance I will always support, always love, and always be here.  I don't know if I can say I respect them anymore.  But I am still working with what is selfish thoughts and what it in general feeling of sadness for someone being treated a certain way.  Again, my  husband pointed out...they chose to be treated like that.  And it's not my problem anymore.  I wondered if this could be fixed. You know just have space.  I even thought, people say things when they are mad.  But when you call me a coward and reference to me to a troll, I don't know if I can handle that.  And that wasn't the worst.  The worst is something I can't even write down.  It's not true.  It doesn't mean it wasn't hurtful and painful to read that someone I love said that. Or should I say loved.  Because I don't love them anymore after the things they said.   To me.  To the person who has been with them on this journey trying to help them find inner peace.  I have my health to worry about.  I still shook yesterday.  I haven't had a seizure but this experience has affected my health.  It's even affected my mental health because I took a step backward on my confidence.  I want to blame myself.  And in the end, I can't.  Because I did everything upfront. So authentic me right now is feeling something. Pain? Yes. But in a sense, a hardened part maybe.  I have to. Every day becomes another part of the point of no return.    Life happens.  Shit happens.  In all of this craziness there is a beautiful positive.  Jeremy.  Jeremy learned to become more emotionally available, or his version of it where I felt I could open up to him.  I've cried in front of him.  I've vented about this experience but not venting the feelings.  Venting if I can act, think, or be any different about the situation.  The answer is no. That's all I needed.  Jeremy is the best thing to ever happen to me.  And I am the best thing to ever happen to Jeremy.  This, I know now.  So, if nothing else, this painful situation helped Jeremy and I see what a rare love we have.  For this, I would do this experience all over again.