Unicorns

The unicorn, she said, was a marvelous beast, shining with honor, wisdom and strength. Just to see him strengthened the soul. ~Megan Lindholm, "The Unicorn in the Maze," 1988

Why have such a fascination about a mythical creature? Honestly, I don't know why I wanted to be the unicorn so badly at the time.  I do now.  Magic, in its power holds something ethereal and beautiful.  When you are trying to heal from your ugly past and turmoil, magic seems rather nice.  For myself, being a unicorn allows me to capture the innocence of myself I don't have.  What does that mean, really? I always joke I don't act my age and that has a particular truth to it.  Parts of me feel stunted.  I mask it often in my silly antics or goofy persona.  But between the disability and what I was trying to mask with what happened I just didn't feel the grown up I was having to be.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why my work life doesn't seem to have panned out.  And sometimes I wonder if that is a problem at all.  No...I didn't go off and accomplish great things in my professional life.  Maybe that's not the point of my existence.  I far exceed that in my personal life.  I've reached people.  I once asked why I was so damn special? Not in a discrediting but in a I don't see what you see.  Some days I see what that person saw.  Other days, I literally have a blank on my face and scratch my head...saying...I don't see it.  But what I know is the depth I have.  Whether you're a stranger or a friend you feel your value with me.  No matter what you are doing.  I possess some "magical" way of making YOU feel special.  Sometimes it's by my words.  I am a beautiful writer.  I have been told that more than once.  I have an eloquent style to my writing.  Sometimes it;s by my smile.  I smile with intention.  I know my smile can brighten someone's day.  Sometimes when I have done a selfie, it's not in a vain way. It's because that smile does something for someone else.  Then, my warmth.  There is a genuine affection I have for people.  In this day and age when we are so fake about things, I can strategically show one emotion while feeling another.  But that's surviving.  I am that unicorn.  That unique and special person that sparkles for others.  After the storm...after the tears...after the after.  After accepting that my reality looks different without a particular friend...I remember the conversations.  I remembered the truth.  And that is someone needed to show me what was hard for me to see for 20 years.  I am this extraordinary person.  I really am saying those things.  Without a hint of irony.  Jeremy has been quietly telling me this but unfortunately, my demons were quieting his voice and therefore, any roar he had.  JB, on the other hand sort of called it kicking the ovaries and shoving through.  We used to call it being a stubborn troll of a friend for each other.  It's why I got so hurt being called a troll from LB.  I thought she was digging into something in a hurtful way.  And that really cut to my core.  I meant no harm.  But I do know some harm that I do.  And I should have been aware of it.  I'm...eye catching.  Even with my weight gain...People...men...women...gravitate towards me.  And maybe that orbit got too close for comfort.  Maybe insecurities took over and a whole different reality was residing in a brain.  I don't know the answers.  I probably won't. In a matter of minutes I was losing one friendship...let alone two.  But as soon as I saw what was happening I knew that I had to remove the other friendship.  It's only right.  I guess people go through certain grief after friendships.  I had my own mourning when "A" and I parted.  It's strange...I've come to appreciate her more and more...just the way she is.   It's funny how perspective will change you.  I'm sorry "A". Back to the Unicorn....every day can be a fight to ward off the demons.  To ward off the pesky voices that say I am not enough.  I am not good enough.  I am not smart enough.  And they're full of shit, really.  Being married to Jeremy means having to keep up with an intellectual.  I don't just say that because I am married to him.  He is a very intelligent man and for years I couldn't for the life of me understand why he would want me.  As it is, he's not one to have talks about what is great about me.  That almost runs into the "feels".  So I changed the strategy.  He will correct or confirm things.  So instead, I was saying things about myself and he would correct.  And I also would correct him if I thought...You know I like that about myself or I don't agree with you there on that opinion of me.  I am more confident in standing up to even Jeremy.  That's a new thing.  However, the old habits come back here and there.  And that's why I fight every day to keep up that confidence.  I am Queen Sparkles, the unicorn of silliness and all things glittery.  My magic is still there.  I just need a few HP points.  I think I went gamer there.  I still need some healing from all this.  I would like this loss or hole feeling to go away.  Realistically, I know that I have to deal with it.  Intellectually, I am actually doing better and have moved on.  Emotionally,...well...I'd be lying if I didn't sigh here and there.  I don't cry anymore.  I think a lot about things.  I think about other parts of my journey in life.  I think about this part of the journey.  I think about Jeremy and his holding my hand through all of it.  I think about Jeremy's protection of me.  I think about Jeremy and I.  We were talking about being rich.  And that sometimes that type of wealth actually makes people more miserable.  Hear me out.  They have problems that money can't buy or take away.  They don't address the problem because they use material things to mask the real problem.  I kissed him the other day and said I am beyond wealthy.  I have something invaluable.  He kissed me back and smiled and said, "Yes, we do".  And then massaged me.  And held me.  Jeremy is affectionate.  But this side of him is a bit...new.  And I appreciate him doing this. Being this man I needed.  The emotionally available one.  It makes me cry.  Because I realize while I am a unicorn....so is he.  Jeremy is one of a kind.  His thinking.  His ways.  And I accept and love this beautiful man for the quirky wonderful way he is.  Just as he does me.  And he has my back.  And it's not just lip service.  Not just as a husband.  But as a friend.  As a Best Friend.  While I was sighing on losing a best guy friend...I had one still right in front of me.  And even better...it was my husband.  And it made me wonder...maybe that's why I haven't had best guy friends.  Maybe the test was to realize I don't need one.  I keep getting lessons learned from experiences I have.  That's the beauty of life.  You are always in a classroom...learning.  So today...be that unicorn. Yes, YOU.  You have something special in you.  Go figure out what it is.  Go be the hero we all know you are.  Because in the end, you are a gift to the world, most especially mine....whomever you are.  The Quiet space is now you, the readers.  The Quiet Place is now my blog, where I don't know you....and yet I do.  Where there is a connection beyond anything I know...and yet I have no clue who reads this or why.  And it's not for me to know.  It's for me to reach you.  It's for me to make you feel something.  Something special.  Something to think.  Something to smile.  Something to make you even cry.  I've been told my tears are just as my beautiful as my smile.  How about if I tell you that now.  Your smile is radiant.  Your tears are beautiful.  Whatever is going on in your day...whatever troubles you have....You are a beautiful mess.  Even the guys. :) If there are guy readers.