At peace

This morning...I woke up with a sense of peace.  I have people near...and far rallying for me.  Whether they know the source of my pain.  That's a comforting thought. I had an unexpected thought and decided to follow up on it.  I lost a friend some time again.  She and I constantly struggled in our relationship.  Yesterday...or I should say yesterday evening I brought her that drink I had been wanting to get her whether we were trying to stay friends or not.  I don't know if I knew the core reason.  I do know...that with roller coaster ride I just got off of...she earned that drink.  Perspective means you laugh when with all the struggles you had with her, she never gave you a seizure!  I am hoping "Joe's" influence helped for me to keep up my healing habits without him around.  I think so.  I asked Jeremy for a want.  At some point, I would like to go to Barnes and Noble and sit there and not talk for 20 mins.  One of the things I love about Jeremy is he helps me to redo memories and make good ones with him.  And he was happy to do that for me.  Jeremy is thoughtful.  I didn't lose my other best guy friend.  I am married to him.  And maybe that is a lesson for me.  Don't be best friends with a married man.  I am not saying married people,especially those of the opposite sex can't be friends, more importantly best friends.  I am just saying for me....I don't think I will.  If nothing else, lessons were learned.  Like, maybe don't work for friends.  I guess you have to experience for yourself and realize...yup...doesn't work.  There was too many triangulations, boundaries, and other things muddled.  You know...the strange part...one of the complaints "Sue" had for me was that I didn't want to clean.  Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do for another person. But I was being paid.  And if she wants to play the honesty game she knows I used to feel useless if I wasn't doing something.  She never quite gave me idea of what my job description was.  It was everything and nothing.  And it kept me busy.  Her arguments were unfounded.  But it was something I noticed in how she did things.  "Joe" called them inconsistencies.  I call them...lies.  My guess.  To make herself look good or if nothing else, someone else look bad.  If you were to survey this situation you would think I was the bad apple.  Just by perception.  And because of my own self-doubt I did want to blame myself.  But when people remind you of the person YOU are...let's just say I was thankful for the reminder.  Something I recognized when I finally gave "A" that drink.  Whether I meant to or not I had been the roller coaster ride.  And for that alone, I was glad to have experienced this tornado to see that epiphany.  I don't want to be a roller coaster ride.  I used to be entertained by these "bunny" trails Sue had.  But it was too much.  No structure.  No discipline.  Sometimes I think she is still a child sometimes. Like parts of her haven't grown up.  She is, after all me 5 years ago.  Not to that extreme...but the anger issues.  I am actually looking forward to a nice quiet and boring weeks ahead.  Considering the intensity my life has been the last few months, I am craving...calm, quiet, and boring. He texted sort of, the day I unfriended.  But it was blank.  I don't know what it meant but I just felt like I couldn't answer.  And last night I wanted to text...but I know that it's not in my best interest to go back to any of that, which includes him.  I have done the right thing by ending our friendship.  1) out of respect for a marriage.  2) I don't need that kind of stress with my health.  My health was at risk.  So...I may have little to write on because I am a housewife again.  But who knows...maybe my thoughts are adventures enough.  I do remember a friend suggesting getting a quote and writing a blog entry about that.  I might try that for Monday and see how that goes.  Life is a lesson all unto itself.  I haven't walked away from this experiences without lessons.  "Joe" was a big part of starting the healing process about the rape.  He is a friend that never gives up on you.  Even if you snarl at him lol He would tell you that was a laugh of discomfort.  And maybe it is.  Maybe I need humor for this.  Terminating the friendship like I did I don't know if I had my closure.  What I hope to retrain my brain is that Saturday when we hung out....That was our closure...I didn't know it yet....or did I? And maybe that is what I leave it at.  I hung out with my friend.  And that was it...That's where the story ends. As one of my friends said yesterday...the purpose of my character is no longer needed in the story.  I think she's right.  So likewise...the purpose of the characters that "Sue" and "Joe" were are not needed in my story anymore. The world is crazy.  You see shootings.  You see ISIS.  It makes you want to crawl back into a cave.  You see a lot of  sadness.  But I will tell you this.  Never give up on humanity.  For all the horrible things we do to each other, a gesture...anything that translates into some kind of kindness is gold.  Not because of anything other than...kindness.  Not religion, not politics, not gaining anything....just because.  I pity "Sue".  At this point, I will pray for peace for her with the war she rages inside her.  But just kindness.  Maybe in this crazy bizarre way when we go into the world today...we change the world...one kind gesture at a time.