Confidence

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. ~Peter T. McIntyre

I ran across this quote.  That self doubt really can consume your thoughts.  The past two weeks I think I was letting old habits return.  Conversations in my head.  Actions being taken.  I even started in on things past two weeks ago.  And then a conversation with a friend really brought it to light.  When deep in my heart I knew Javier's words were wrong but I didn't have the confidence to prove them I had my self doubt.  I have self doubt further than that.  The voices of them.  I have never understood how blood can tear down blood.  It boggles me, actually.  So by the time Javier was with me, I just assumed I was wrong.  Another conversation with Jeremy also helped me to understand that many people, even the ones that seem so confidence have inner fears.  They just hide it better.  No one wants to show that fear.  Why is that? Is it because we are afraid of the judgement of not having things together? Does not always having your "shit" together seem like a weakness? For me, that's what it feels like.  This feeling of feeling like a fraud.  Let me explain that.  People say beautiful things about me.  Whether it's my beauty or sparkle.  Whether it's my warmth.  Whether's it's my insight.  Now, strangely my physical attributes I have not questioned.  I am more of a full figured woman.  I am voluptuous.  I actually take pride in it.  Probably because my proportions seem favorable in a symmetry way.  But as soon as someone tries to give me a compliment on my intellect, I don't know whether to believe them.  Or see value in me in such a way that I am this extraordinary person.  That confidence struggle is there.  Most people, I imagine have that in general.  I am willing to critique someone and give them my feedback.  But I do find a way to positively spin that.  I don't like the idea of being mean.  I don't see the point in malice.  My confidence had been struggling probably because I was doubting certain things, certain actions. I stopped Saturday.  It's like all of it came back and I realized. I was right.  I am not crazy.  I received the validation I needed in order to not feel that.  And suddenly my confidence came back.  I will make mistakes.  I still struggle with communication skills with Jeremy.  But I don't wither back into my state of being intimidated.  This time, I just try again and find a way to convey my message.  Every couple has a struggle of things they have to overcome in their relationship.  What probably happens is that couples tend to show to the world all is well and good.  I won't air if Jeremy and I are struggling in public.  Blog, yes...because there is an odd sense of privacy.  But in person, I won't air.  But there is a genuine playfulness that even if we are struggling...we love each other.  We came to the conclusion that literally there isn't anything that would send us to divorce  We would be upset with each other.  But that's not an option.  We made a commitment.  We love each other.  We will figure it out.  And the part of being so candid comforts me that long before we would ever get to that point at all...we would be talking about.  I can't imagine not telling Jeremy things.  I am not preaching and saying that people do or do not have to do this.  All I know...is that by doing this, it has saved so much heartache.  I also realized I actually like my husband.  I love him..but I honestly...like him.  He is a bit hard on the edges sometimes.  His bluntness is certainly not sugar coated.  But I like him.  And he makes me feel safe.  This world can be cruel.  And I feel protected by Jeremy.  And loved.  That no matter what life brings us....we have each other.  Because he has my love.  Does he ever :)