Zen

I went to the Doctor today.  Nothing serious.  It was my 6 month follow up.  What I found interesting was that my blood pressure was up.  And my nerves are finally done being shot.  I spoke to my Neurologist about removing stress.  I also have been working out.  Now strangely and a little TMI for you...I am having a very natural thing that most females go through but not me.  Because of PCOS it's like a ghost.  She also attributed that to the amount of stress I was under.  That sort of really put into perspective.  What I had been doing to my body.  The amount of stress I was allowing myself to be under.  I actually made a joke because I realized one is in health care and one has been counselor.  And yet, in their space my health was detrimental.  How, Jess? How do you put yourself in a situation that you can't figure out that your body is feeling like pins and needles poking at you.  Yelling at me now triggers bad things.  Yelling in general is not good for me to be around.  Jeremy and I don't yell.  I always thought it was because he was an intellectual but now I see my husband understood that yelling was not good for my health.  Even if it was me yelling.  It drains me.  Call me a coward.  I really don't care.  I won't fight.  I'll just walk away.  I'll just remove you.  It's survival mode.  I have mild anxiety.  I have tried really hard to keep it mild.  I try not to let things overwhelm me.  I find ways for my stress to be released.  I am constantly working on my Zen.  It's like the Hulk, only instead of anger it's anxiety.  But trust me, anger resides there too.  I just don't have much of it anymore.  Not even for Javier.  I pity the asshole.  I pity anyone that doesn't see the value in me.  Because I am a bowl full of love.  I'd rather be this happy go lucky girl.  But if I have to protect myself, then I will summon Genna.  At least I can have my personality aspects back.  They had a stabbing party within the last two weeks handing the aspect I used to bunch them together to make Sparklpuss.   My mind is an intriguing but slightly disturbed place sometimes.  But I am downright adorkable.  So there is that.  So...my zen.  Music is so my zen.  Zen coloring is my zen.  Writing poetry is my zen.  Beautiful conversations with friends is my zen.  Snuggling and ... and spending time with Jeremy is my zen.   A bath is my zen.  I can't have them because I am Epileptic.  I have to have someone supervise me.  But since I felt like I would burden Jeremy I wouldn't ask.  Until now.  Baths are calming and relaxing.  I am a ball full of anxiety sometimes.  Those little rascals of demons are manipulative little bastards.  And I constantly work on shutting them down.  They never really go away.  But with enough positive things and outlets I can keep them at bay.  So my zen is back.  I missed my zen.  Oh, how I missed my Zen.