The Universe smiled

Something amazing happened yesterday that made me think of coming full circle moments.  At the time time of the rape, I had no idea how life would unfold.  I hadn't realized the full effect of what something like that does to you.  It has literally taken me 20 years to process all of what it is.  I imagine between the Epilepsy, the developmental disability, and that...I needed that long to figure things out.  My confidence didn't help.  I was all kinds of a mess.  Strange part.  I didn't look the part.  Sure.  I have been living my life rather adventurous to probably escape the demons inside.  But not even those closest to me knew the turmoil inside.  I am letting that guard down to some loved ones.  My trust got a little muddled in the midst of the storm.   But now, now that the storm has passed so to speak...Now I see things clearer.  I have been working out every day.  I think in its own way that's been therapy.  I also have gained healing in some unexpected places.  I gained healing from two ex best friends, both male.  I really hadn't had male best friends since my college days at UTSA.  Sure...Justin (an ex boyfriend turned kinda best friend) was an integral part but being 4 years younger than me...never to the level of friendship did we ever go to that I would label best friendship.  And Aaron. Oh, Aaron.  Aaron has been a complicated character.  He could be considered one but he was so in and out of the friendship with me because of his illness that I look back and not sure exactly what our friendship entailed.  Often times, I felt on eggshells.  Wondering if I was doing the right thing.  Our friendship did stress me out.  And that's not how a friendship should be.  My two friends, whom I have rekindled friendship, however small they are helped me to gain insight and perspective.  On the situation...and me...on my life journey in general.  They have been game changer friends.  Their friendship impacted particular parts of my life.  Those particular parts of my life were life changing one way or another.  They shaped part of my future.  Even mindsets.  And yesterday, out of caring for me they helped me to get my head straight on.  And then, RN.  He is another friend turned boyfriend turned ex turned friend again years later that helped me to understand things about forgiveness, about pain, about truth, about how people part from each other, how life takes turns.  The Universe smiled at me.  And I smiled back.  In the grand scheme of things JB might have just been a small part of my story in order to gain healing on my life journey.  I had a conversation today saying I don't regret the friendship.  I also said I don't regret terminating the friendship.  One of the things I have come to appreciate from friends is how straightforward they are.  Granted, the honesty and bluntness can feel clumsy and the execution might hurt my feelings.  But it's your version of what you see.  I don't have to take it.  Or I can.  But I appreciate candor.  Even Jeremy's candor has a wonderful feeling to it.  As he says...it's not always pretty but it's what he is thinking.  There are no cryptics. There isn't lost in translation.  There is clarity and clarification.  I don't play games.  I don't beat around the bush.  That might be too much for some.  You can manipulate truth.  You can take my words out of context.  You can twists words.  But what I say...is what I mean.  And I know that about myself now.  I feel happy again.  I won't lie and say I don't miss my friendship.  It was a grand friendship.  But I need friends that can stand up and tell the truth.  And sometimes, some people just can't do that.  And that's okay.  It just means I need to remove you.  My health doesn't allow for the kind of stress I was putting on my body.  But there are laughs now.  There are lessons.  For example, don't ask this Epileptic to move sofas with  you.  I did it.  I had a seizure.  See? It's funny now.  I know I know. You're saying what the fruit loops, Jess??/!  I am still working on boundaries.  I can be too nice and accommodating for my own good.  I am still working on that.  But Jeremy is there to help me.  I hadn't realized that our friendship aspect of our relationship could get stronger.  He never ceases to amaze me.  And we have a funny about words of affirmations too.  I call them words of appreciation.  And he will just yell out..Words!!! Words!!! I love it.  Thank you, JB.  I will forever be grateful for you helping us have that.  I wish nothing but the best for you in your marriage.  Sometimes people come into our lives simply to have us learn.  They help us to grow as individuals.  As my friend Natalie said....some people are characters that have served their purpose in your life story.  I served my purpose in theirs.  It was time to leave.  They served their purpose.  It was time to leave.  This morning, as I was lying on Jeremy's chest...I just breathed in happiness.  I have this amazing individual as a husband...and a best friend.  Not just words.  He encompasses so much of what truth ...my truth means.  He gets me.  I love him ever so much more for it.  For accepting my craziness.  For accepting my journey.  For accepting...and loving me....just the way I am.  He loves me despite who I am...and because of who I am.  Hold on to that if you have it.  It's like air you breathe. Crimson Sky by Brian Crain is playing.