Process time

My new comfort food is pretzels and ranch.  Although, when I eat it now...inside I will be crying. So I don't know how much of a comfort it's going to be. Something in me died last night.  People say that.  And part of me over my life wondered if I felt that.  But last night, I felt a burst or a bust of something and some essence of me just...died.  I know it sounds bizarre.  And part of me can't even explain to you why that is.  In some ways, I'm tricking my brain that someone passed.  And if I trick my brain, my heart will follow.  External factors. Life happens.  Shit happens.  I can't even tell you the amount of pain that is residing in me right now.  I was getting to a point where my sparkle was starting to come out.  I think I took a step backwards in that light.  I'll smile.  But again, deep down I'll be crying.  I lost something precious to me.  I'm crying right now.  Jeremy was so wonderful.  He said to take as long as I wanted to cry.  Because he knew and knows what this means to me.  No matter what...Jeremy lets me be me.  And me right now is going to hurt so much inside, that I have knots.  I started shaking last night from all the stress.  But I didn't have a seizure.  I know you as my reader is probably so confused right now.  I wish I could yell to the hilltops what this pain is.  But it's my way of protecting.  That even in an emotional state, I am disciplined.  I know what this means.  I mourn the silence.  I mourn because I know.  When you know something...and you know in life you should have evidence and answers all the time....but you know because you just know.  In some ways, that is a great comfort.  And in some ways, that is the biggest heartache.  So process time....I remember a conversation about depression.  I honestly don't know if I ever have gotten depressed. I would think the answer is yes but I have not gone to the doctor for it.  But let's go with it...I might get depressed over this "situation".  I know what I am losing.  And it's huge.  This precious thing I'm losing is beautiful.  Like a diamond, very flawed.  But the radiance that shines within this thing is absolutely incredible to see.  I felt honored to be around this invaluable treasure.  So...as you can see...I likened it to someone passing.  I am a strange person, with a different way to view the world.  This is me, processing this information....the first day of the rest of my life with it.  I am strong.  So on the outside, I will seem like things are fine.  But those closest to me are already seeing my cracks.  But I am strong....and I will get through this. Because I have Jeremy.  My God.  I have Jeremy. Jeremy loves his wife, unconditionally.  I took that in last night as I was crying in his arms.  I'm sorry I am confusing today.  Just know.  When you lose something or someone, mourn that loss.  Allow yourself to process what you no longer will have. And then remember why you feel the mourn of that loss.  Because it was that precious to you....
PS. Barnes and Nobles is going to make me burst into tears for a a while.  How insane is that?

If someone ever asks what my happy place is, tell them it's Barnes and Nobles