Bonus Blog

I felt generous about giving another blog.  I've been deciding on whether to retire as super hero Sparklepuss.  It means no pirate princess. But emerged a strong queen.  I am the royal to my domain.  And who I let in my kingdom.  I am a kind queen.  But when poked and bruised in a malicious manner I will do what any good queen will do.   I will let you destroy yourself.  You see.  I am a good queen because I take care of my kingdom.  My king is happy.  I work in my kingdom.  I put effort and pride on having my castle kept orderly.  It takes discipline.  And that discipline is derived from being strong enough when wars or attacks threaten my kingdom.  My kingdom was never in danger.  But when you attack with no real reason to, I don't wait for you realize your mistake.  I am a forgiving queen.  But even I have my limits.  I am proud of myself.  I have taken the higher road.  Am I angry? Yes.  Would I like to say choice words.  Yes.  But you can't argue with angry.  And nothing would be accomplished.  I would not be speaking to someone rational.  Honestly, I am confused about the anger and may never get a true answer.  But I realized for a while I couldn't really be honest with this person.  So was I really be authentic? And I should have seen the red flag when they threatened my health...on more than one occasion.  My problem is that I didn't address my boundaries.  I am a push over.  I have to work on that within myself.  But I am strong. And I will continue to heal inside.  The last few months were progress of healing.  I am emotionally bruised right now but I'll be okay.  I have Jeremy.  You know what my crazy husband said? Take all the time you need to mourn the loss.  My husband.  He is such a good man.  And he fiercely loves his wife.  And rather protective of her.  I thought about possessions today. And I had to let that go.  I didn't want to imagine.  That is something I am doing.  I am looking forward.  I don't play games.  And I refuse to be played with either.  I am not a play toy, as they so easily described as others.  It's easy for this person to name call.  I hadn't received the name call yet.  I always hurt when I heard them uttered for other people.  I felt guilty for keeping this secret but I just felt like it was none of my business.  I froze.  My MO.  I despise how my rape has hindered how I handle things.  When I don't know what to do....I do nothing.  And maybe that's the part of where I am a coward.  My health... My sanity means more.  I am too tired to fight.  I'd rather talk it out like a rational adult.  And when I do have emotions running I want someone who will ground me, someone with a good head on their shoulders to help me put logic to my emotions.  I am not saying I didn't make mistakes myself.  I am willing to hold myself accountable for not opening my mouth soon enough.  You want to love a person through their worst.  But sometimes you have to love yourself first.  And this is me taking care of myself first.  I pray for this person.  That the inner war that is within them finds resolve and peace.  I'm hoping that who they have next to them will help them find it.  I feel better writing this. I felt like I still had something to say.  Thank you for reading.  I wish I could stop the tears from falling.  But they will be there.