The takeaway

Whew.  It's been a week since Tornado Leah.  Since I spilled their real names I should stop hiding behind the names of "Sue" and Joe".  I have enough integrity to not reveal their last names.  There was a wonderful takeaway from all this.  This week, Jeremy has gone above and beyond as a husband...but as the best friend.  I lost a best friend.  I don't say best friends because I have never had a best friend text me or on some days talk to me like that.  As "A" and I discussed, not even on our worst days together did I get talked to like that.  In fact, I yelled, if anything.  I am taking accountability.  Regards to that.  I don't know where that road goes but I can tell you I gained perspective...all around.  Like I told her....you deserve this damn drink.  I had promised an action.  I digress.  When you're angry...I get that you might want to lash out.  But there is self control.  Also, you will regret the things you say. I noticed things now that even I am calmer.  Last week I had anger.  I was so hurt.  Not even by her.  By him.  I get loyalty towards your wife.  You're married.  There is a sense of needing to "take her side".  But I could have been a friend if you had giving me a heads up or warned me.  After all, at this point I was sticking around to help him.  She has acquaintance friends but really, there was me.  She bulldozed conversations that sometimes I just ended up listening.  It wasn't all bad.  We had good times.  At the time I enjoyed the erratic thoughts or as he called them bunny trails so I adopted that thought.  But I am a structured woman.  And when you don't call me or text  for almost an hour and you're late...and you don't apologize.  I was discrediting myself.  It's not like you're in a rush, Jess.  She had a rough childhood.  And I felt like maybe I didn't need to come on strong on about what could be trivial stuff.  Again, I realize I should have put my boundaries.  And it was becoming more difficult to watch her talk to him a certain way.  They assured me this is the way they talk.  And I tried to understand it.  Jeremy and I do tease each other. And in best friend we can get pretty dicey.  But no...this was more like insults.  And then when she described him to me in a less than favorable manner  I all but wanted to yell.  Was this a compliment or an insult?  And I don't know. Then the sofa incident.  There are so many little conversations and incidents I am reviewing that make me feel better about not having them in my life.  Both of them.  I was hurting about losing one of my best friends.  But I took a takeaway from that.  He butted in on my family dynamics regarding Thanksgiving.  I thought that was hypocritical since he can't seem to have a handle on his own family.  I suppose when you're an intellectual you can't see your own cracks.  I also wanted to be a good influence on the kids.  I didn't yelled when I got upset or frustrated.  I didn't call them morons or idiots.  I understood unorthodox things regarding parenting.  But using foul language like the kids did was bothersome.  So many reasons my presence was just not good there.  I am not (enter their last name).  And some ways they were trying to make me one.  I was Aunt Jess.  But then the idea of boundaries. Mine. Theirs or hers as she puts it.  Okay.  Let's assume I made boundary violations too.  You don't wait till you're mad at me to tell me how you really feel.  And call me a troll and coward.  And the worst one of all.  It wasn't true but it still hurt the same.  And that escalated from there.  By then she said she was done.  Perhaps she was just talking in the moment.  But I don't play stupid games.  Say...I need space.  But she doesn't have self control on her anger.  It's not easy when you have anger issues.  I am the first one to tell you it's been a journey.  But I learned by Jeremy how to channel it and how to not let things be so much of hang ups or get to me.  You also have to want to change.  I do feel guilty about having my own anger rant with Here's the thing blog but I was beside myself.  I have been honest saying yes, I did form feelings.  But as I tell you pass the salt, that is what I told him and her as just fact.  It was never in the sense of anything like I have like Jeremy.  And maybe my honesty was too much.  I assumed it was one sided until he confirmed they were reciprocated.  Again, just factual.  We continued our friendship.  We had awesome intellectual talks.  I learned.  He wanted to call in the morning.  I asked Jeremy if that was a problem.  He didn't see the problem.  Remember, he was the one having marriage problems.  What I should have done was be mindful of his marriage since he wasn't.  But I look back and this tornado would not have happened.  And honestly, it needed to.  We needed to not be friends.  They are too intense.  I was having too many seizures, some big...some small hiccups.  But it is chaotic and stressful.  And if you are my friend, you should be thinking about my health.  My other friends are very mindful of it.  They are also not selfish.  or self centered.  They are also adults if we have any conflict.  I put the cards on the table so there are no surprises.  I say what I mean.  I try to be as forthcoming and authentic as I possibly can be.  So if the takeaway is that I'm too much...then I'm too much.  My guess? I was a bad apple because I was a good apple.  I showed what a good marriage looks like.  A good wife looks like.  Even a good mother.  I'd start resenting me too.  This wasn't my house.  Word got back that maybe it was a temporary un friend.  But I don't play games.  And by then I was glad she had.  I hurt unfriending him.  But in order to be a good friend, a loyal best friend.....I had to.  I am not good for their marriage.  Any problems they have, let them have them without me there.  And like it or not, he was starting to probably feel in the middle.  Hence, my hesitation for having a married guy best friend now.  I look at my own mistakes on this.  But I wouldn't have done anything different.  And I second guessed myself so I asked Jeremy.  He said the same thing.  That really helped.  Getting his confirmation.  I respect Jeremy's opinion.  So from here....I woke up well rested.  I was erasing emails and noticed the time on my phone and laughed.  It was because that's the time he would call.  And I didn't even notice the time.  Those calls were more for him than me.  I enjoyed them.  Always wonderful intellectual talks.  We also shared personal things.  There was an emotional connection too.  But his personality is very...stoic ish.  If I remember in a good manner.  He is a good person.  He is very compassionate towards the world at large.  He's extraordinary at his job.  I gave him words of affirmation because it seemed he needed them.  And maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe they are frolicking in the sunset and I was the problem all along.  Either way, it's best I am gone.  Today, Jeremy will be giving back things they gave me or us like the shot glasses.  I didn't have the heart to give back the bear or the trinity knot velvet bag.  I am assuming not talking to him again in my life. I don't see him ever reaching out.  So I kept those two.  At the time they were meant in a genuine way.  He helped with healing.  My rape was hindering parts of me that I had no idea. I also improved my communication with Jeremy.  I have more confidence about the amazing woman I am.  So the takeaway is ....well...what you texted once, buddy.  We're Jared and Jess, best friends.  Something mere mortals could never understand.  lol In my mind, we will stay that.  Reality is different.  But the best of both us will be there.  I changed your perspective on  life.  and Likewise.  You were a game changer friend.  So thank you.  I revolt at pretzels and ranch now though lol.  Sighs. My sense of humor is still here.  Jeremy understands this.  I keep apologizing.  And he keeps telling me the same thing.,....You lost your best friend.  Cry all you want...for as long as you want.  I told him this morning. I'm okay.  I'm going to have and we finished the sentence together...moments.  But....I'm okay.  I received so much support this week.  Whether people knew the reason or not.  They just were there.  Even something as simple as still posting Harry Potter on Facebook because that was his thing.  I still get to, thanks to my friend Emily.    I am surrounded by love.  Who could ask for more?