Theories

Theories are private property, but truth is common stock. ~Charles Caleb Colton

Theories were an interesting topic last night with a conversation I was having.  It was pointed out as an observation that a person like myself finds difficulty in theories.  Because of certain things in my past, I live with a built insecurity that I constantly battle to ward off.  Where Jeremy used to be quieter on the front about words of affirmations, in his own way he is validating and quieting those fears.  He just does in Jeremy flair.  I used to have Javier's voice in my head.  Then I had Jeremy's and JB's.  What I did was change the voice.  It's still JB's words.  He was trying to help with my self doubt and my insecurities.  So instead, it's my voice....with his words.  And that is a theory I had.  What if all this was a test of me being able to stand on my own...with my own voice...in my head.  I've never done that theory before.  Actually use my own voice.  I simply didn't believe my insight, my thoughts mattered.  I think what helps is that JB and I were so alike.  lol Sometimes it felt like me...in male version.  I imagine that's why we clicked so well.  I didn't confirm much.  Sometimes silence was our answer.  And that's the problem with theories.  I can't work on a theory.  My insecurity is what if I have the answer wrong.  What if I have this all wrong in my head.  What if I read things wrong? It's the reason I clarify.  I want to confirm my thoughts.  It's why clarification is one of my favorite words and things.  You know exactly what is being said.  There is no lost in translation.  This quote reminded me that truth can be manipulated to many forms.  But what the truth represents is a raw story of an action that really happened.  Truth often gets muddled in life, the world.  We build a whole industry around bending the truth of what beauty really is.  Truth is beauty.  Authenticity, which in part is truth, is beauty.  So yes, theories are great...but like it states...they are private property.  People have different opinions on the same subject.  I have often stated...if you're going to accuse me...accuse me right.  I don't live life by a certain code because I am some girl scout or something.  I live my life by a certain code because there is stress in lying to myself or others.  I used to lie to myself all the time.  It got exhausting.  Another conversation involved explaining how I have held in so much in the last 20 years.  That, even those closest to me, had no idea of some of the turmoil and pain residing in me.  But like confession or something...I blehed...It's what I call venting it all out.  I Blehed...and I got it all out.  I liken it to the guy from the green mile who has flies or something come out of his mouth.  Yeah...toxins...something just escape me from letting it all out with people I love and trust.  Now...I do have to reset on the trust thing.  L and JB did a number with me on trust.  But luckily, I have two other best friends that are helping to squelch those trust issues.  Dear one and Sweet Friend (although sometimes I find myself calling her dear friend too) both are supportive in helping me realize that my integrity is in place.  I try to have integrity.  It's part of my core.  Like I said.  I am not trying to be a girl scout.  It's just my code.  It's how I live life.  And it's worked with Jeremy and I.  I love our code.  Something changed for us.  A new appreciation for each other? An appreciation for things peaceful again? I used to come home stressed and sometimes crying.  I was trying to keep up being strong.  But that much chaos was messing with me.  It wasn't even regular family chaos.  I've been around parents and kids to remember families have chaos.  I've talked to moms who explain the chaos.  Nooooo....this was something else.  And that was what stressed me out. It's nice to not have my nerves shot anymore.  So clarification is good.  Theories are great but they are just that. Theories.  You can't really confirm them.  And if you can't confirm that theory, then it might not be the right answer.  And then you might be living your life on a lie...and you didn't even know it.