Contain

I am too happy to contain myself.  I have thought about this more and more.  That I am too happy to contain myself.  I actually used to be conscious of my smile because my teeth are crooked.  When I was younger, my Epilepsy medicine impacted my cognitive development. But it also did a number on my teeth.  I ended up needing braces.  I was 13 when all that happened.  I'm 39.  You can imagine how that much time of being self conscious about a smile can be.  But when the right person tells you about your smile...it opens up a flood of paying attention when the world tells you have a beautiful smile.  It's been called genuine.  It's been called warm.  My favorite is the telling world "Fuck you".  I revised that.  Each time I smile, I say that about negativity.  I say that about pain.  I smile for you, when you can't.  Jeremy and I have noticed a shift? A transformation from both of us.  We transformed the last few months.  Into something amazing. I'm falling in love with him all over again.   I feel like I am getting to know my husband all over again.  I like him! I know that sounds weird but you can love a person but not like them.  Sometimes too much pain and bitterness can be between friends, lovers, spouses, and family.  It makes me sad but it happens.  I leave the door open for many people and I to reconnect.  But there are a select few that it is very unlikely we will reconcile.  Sometimes it's on my part.  Sometimes it's on theirs.  And sometimes it's both.  And I accept that now.  Life happens and unfolds a certain way.  Where Jeremy's and my story unfolds presently wouldn't exist if we weren't affected by our journeys.  I am so grateful Jeremy lets me walk alone sometimes.  And he is too.  Hearing Jeremy show appreciation is beautiful. Next to physical touch, my second love language is words of affirmation.  With the help of a friend it helped me to see the correlation of the rape, physical touch, the betrayal, and how Javier set the tone for how I reacted to things like that.  There will never be any logic to what he did to me.  But understanding the underlying issues behind it helps me heal.  I am so fascinated by psychology.  Ysun pointed out I should have gotten my therapist license.  Some people think I would have been great at therapy.  Others think I would have been awesome at massage therapy.  Sometimes they say I rock at both.  For whatever reason, my story doesn't include working a typical job.  Jeremy acknowledge that I do conduct my housewifery in a job sense.  Yesterday, all the chores needing to be done to make the house back to normal...well...it was exhausting! But there are perks.  I can go to the bathroom whenever I want.  I know that sounds weird but most of my jobs would harass me about my bathroom breaks.  Hello.. I have Epilepsy.  Hazard of the condition.  I get to listen to music while I work.  I love listening to music while I work.  I go at my own pace.  If I need to take a break, I take a break.  I don't worry when to take my lunch break.  I like eating at 11-12.  I get to be therapist friend.  Last couple of weeks it's fallen to once a day.  Or if I do help two friends it is spaced out a lot more.  That way, I can recharge back up.  Sometimes it's only 10 minutes.  Sometimes it's 5 hours.  Prayer from Hayley Westenra is on.  Yah Celtic Rain Radio. I am so happy.  I can't even tell you how happy I am.  I can't keep my smile to myself lol (Hands to myself vibe, right?) And suddenly, I'm thinking of Jeremy saying...I mean I could...but why would I want to. lol We totally have a crush on Selena Gomez.  So...here's my smile for you today.  If you are having a rough day, think of me smiling for you.  Each and every one of you.  My smile is a beautiful weapon.  Kecharitomene by Loreena Mckennitt is on.  I love her music.  Squirrel.  Sorry.  I got lost in thoughts for a minute.  DF, much, Jess? lol Dang it....I am easily distracted.  Smile. I can't contain my smile.  Because finally, I see my value.  I falter.  I have self doubt moments.  But I have a stubborn Team Queen Sparkles that refuses to let me discredit myself for even one minute.  That melts my heart.