There is certainly more to the story that I won't and can't share with you. But here's what I am willing to. I can't have children. And most days I can accept that fact. I have two beautiful kids that I get to be a co mother. I have a handful of kids that friends let me be crazy aunt Jess. And I learn to enjoy having a more quiet life with Jeremy because of being a childless mom. It has been an adjustment taking care of children that aren't mine. But that's always going to be something I have to work with. I wasn't feeling the sting there. No. Yesterday I learned that someone was pregnant and it being her, and I had an emotional meltdown. On top of that, the Universe said...you're not feeling kicked in the stomach enough. Here. A friend had a medical emergency and had to drop off their kids. The kids stayed overnight. I even took one of them to school. On almost no sleep. I somehow managed to delay my episode. And I also found out elevating my feet helped recovery. In the midst of that, Jeremy and I fought. I don't mean like bicker, or tension. He yelled. I'm not used to that. Words were said. I got hurt. We cuddled and he said I love you. But I still hadn't recovered. I guess somewhere I felt I lost his translation of why I was special. Long ago, I got a list. A list of what someone liked about me. God, that list could make me cry. So I guess I was hoping Jeremy could easily list that I forgive easily. That I am compassionate. That I'm stubborn on showing people their value. That I give. That I am considerate. But Jeremy did remind me when we went to lunch today (Our regular lunch date twice a month) He is "dumb" when it comes to this. He likened it to handing pre calculus to me. And explained if I wasn't special I wouldn't be sitting where I am. That he can't always say the words that express I am special. But that his actions can speak for themselves that I am there. As one of my best friends pointed out, Jeremy doesn't waste his time. If he doesn't want to do something, he just won't. I did have a small episode but the elevation actually helped. Today, I am sleeping this off. Said friend said dinner is on them tonight. So stepping back. I guess I am not okay with not having a child with Jeremy. I guess sometimes I don't want to be around children because it's a reminder that I'm defective. Or that I feel a rejection that Jeremy didn't want kids with me. It would have been anybody. He was done. And he did tell me 3 days into our relationship. 80/20. That's what another friend pointed out. And they thought that was really good odds for a couple. It's one fight. It still hurts. The words. And we will have to take it day by day. By no means does this mean some kind of divorce. It just might be that those words hang over us. The words that I can't really talk about. In the mean time, mousy me is going down again. And when self doubt wants to reel its ugly head, I've got plenty of friends to bring me up. 3 friends talked to me last night. Then, this morning I had a phone conversation. And then another text conversation with a friend that is a lot like Jeremy. And they helped me see, ya twerp. We're here. We give a shit. You're special because we give a shit. We give a shit because you're special. Some of us don't have pretty words and fancy way to tell you that you fucking rock. So shut the hell up and know we care. Give the man a break. If you weren't special he wouldn't support you financially. He just wouldn't have done anything. And when Jeremy does fail with words (and oh how he does sometimes) he wouldn't leave my side while I stayed with the kids. So what's that old saying. Actions speak louder the words. Stepping back....Jeremy is one clumsy guy. I am one emotional wreck. When I feel mousy and self doubting, it's ugly. All my hard work seemed to have gone down the drain within that time. Stepping back...it's one fucking fight, Jess. Don't be so over dramatic. Jeremy worries he coddles me. And maybe he does. I don't have any answers. I feel mousy still. I'm dependent to certain words in my mind right now. I'm fighting myself to not be so dependent on that list. In any given time, that list means nothing. It was a list that was made at that given time. Who knows what that list would look like now?For the Love of a Princess is on by Myleene Klass. Today will be about getting my strength back. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I feel mousy. I'm struggling to find that beautiful confidence I've had all these months. I can't stop crying. I had a scary thought about not being around which freaked me out. I never think like that but somewhere somehow...I had reverted back to a place I had never hoped to be. I blame it on sleep deprivation. Because honestly,even in this tired state I wouldn't dream of that. But I can see how people go into this hole of negative and despair. Depression is ugly. Am I depressed? I can't really tell. I'm usually happy. Until closer to the end of the month when my phantom cycle decides to show up. It doesn't always go as melodramatic is this. But if it's going to happen....it's going to be at the end of the month (lol sighs nervous laugh) Shit. Nervous laugh. I have a loving husband. I have supportive friends. I have a roof over my head. I have two amazing heart kids. I'm beautiful. Not in the model way. In the my smile makes you feel like you're at home. My eyes flit in happiness and you suddenly are happy. I'm physically attractive. even with my full figured size. I'm funny. I'm warm. I sparkle with a unique essence of me. I make you feel special because you are, whomever that is. Relationships are hard. Emotions. Communication. Comprimise. Jeremy couldn't stop kissing me this morning. And he couldn't stop kissing me after lunch. Sometimes words fail. I guess I just need confirmation when I'm feeling this way. And it doesn't work that way. And that's okay. Because that crazy man loves me. And I'm worthy of his love. I am a strong warrior. I am a queen. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am...more than I give myself credit for. Someone once pushed so hard for me to see this. Thank you. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it. Now, others push hard for me to see that I have value and am worth the effort. My legacy is that I have pierced people's hearts and affected them. They are never the same. So...Breathe in.....Breathe out. It's a new day. It's an opportunity to remember how special I am. It's a new day to remind myself that I am amazing. I admit. Right now. I don't believe it. But I remember support. I remember beautiful words. I remember to "kick" myself. I remember to stop being such a stupid little emotional wreck of a girl. Put my big girl panties. And take on the day. Thank you for letting me unleash this horrid blog emotional vomiting.
Life isn't always Zen
Not even you, Javier. 
Not adulting well
This just makes me laugh
And I do have that pwoer
I don't sometimes
That's you, Queen Sparkles. Take notes
Writing always makes me feel better. I feel vulnerable writing all this shit for you to read. Sometimes I used to wonder much a rape affects a person's psyche. Most days I can feel more in control. And then, days like yesterday happen. And it makes me wonder, I guess. Good thing I'm surrounded by people that love me and accept me for the crazy unicorn fairy woman I am. It's not odd because it's Jess. Try not to judge the insanity I have bestowed. But if you must, judge away. I'm not changing who I am. I love the beautiful mess I am...Even in mousy form.
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