The human process

We all have the struggles.  We process it differently.  We react differently.  Add to that, we aren't alone when we try this human process thing.  It got me thinking to all the things I assume in my head when I feel "doubtful".  And wonder how others cope with their insecurities.  I am better.  But in being better, I do have to so to speak, start again on my confidence journey.  I didn't hit a bump.  I crashed.  And I feel the whiplash.  And that's okay.  Because deep down I know.  I'm made of tougher stuff than this.  A person's opinion of you is never as important as yours.  Even someone you put stock in so much.  You are in doubtful mode so you figure they know more.  No.  They don't.  They're just as human.  And they make mistakes.  The human process is about learning how to interact cohesively.  Some of us have a better grasp of harmony.  Some of us have a gentler handle on finesse.  On knowing, that it doesn't always pay to be right.And what is right? The equation of an outcome that is such a linear answer there is no depth? Or the grey area around that one sees in order to see the linear answer.  Neither one is more important than the other.  The journey is more important than the destination is often been compared to this thought process.  I guess it depends on who you talk to.  I will always see the journey more important.  But that's because I feel in such an intense way that it's hard not to experience my life in some immersion of emotions.  Jeremy and I are better.  I guess I really wasn't okay about not having children.  And other things.  But I learned that my being okay was not something unreasonable.  Even from Jeremy.  he's logical.  he's right in most things. But doesn't mean I'm wrong.  And that's where my confidence sort of collided.  Trying to balance thoughts. Words.  Long after words are said...one has to recover from the hurt.  It's why people are constantly saying be careful of your words.  I get it.  And then at the same time, words are just words.  I learned action speaks louder.  I've always believed that.  The good part is that with every couple they hit their crossroads.  They face obstacles.  They look different.  But the journey to the destination runs the same pattern.  Finding your footing...together.  I often wonder about vulnerability.  Why is it so "easy" for me to share such personal parts of me.  The truth is.  It's not.  But it's more important for me to be a reference manual.  Or insight for you when you might face a similar challenge.  Some of my thoughts can't be all that unique.  I mean.  Yes. I am a unique unicorn but in the human process sense of things, I'm no different than the next person.  People often feel alone.  And sometimes they won't admit it.  So here is a quiet place, with quiet spaces....where you can turn to, like an old friend and read my thoughts.  I imagine, in some ways, they give you comfort.  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed in your job? Perhaps you feel isolated from your family? Perhaps you're figuring out the next chapter of your life.  Perhaps you're struggling in your relationship? Perhaps you're struggling in your friendships.  Perhaps you have a medical condition? Perhaps you're depressed.  These are just things on the top of my head of why you read this.  It's not even about me anymore with this blog.  It's about you.  It's about being there for you.  Not even knowing how I am helping.  Just knowing that I am.  I believe I help people.  I have this special sparkle that even in my self doubt...I do know is there.  I'm just struggling to get my confidence.  But that beautiful spark is still there.  A familiar voice popped in my head.  I almost tried to kick it out.  Instead, I thought in reference manual form.  They were a reference manual for me.  And they was a comfort to me.  When you are at a low point, you are most vulnerable.  I can't believe people might be better off without me.  That's just crazy talk.  I never was to a point of action.  I just had a butterfly effect moment, or It's a wonderful life moment.  But that was still scary for me to think.  That you would be better off without me.  No.....You're not.  You are a better person for reading my thoughts.  Self doubt is a monster I work on daily.  On an intellectual level, I see the effects of what Javier did to me.  Imagine that...intellectual level.  It was beyond the physical violation.  It was something else.  I have trust issues.  I feel insecure when I feel taken advantage of.  I have problems setting up boundaries because I want to please people.  I like making them happy.  And I want them comfortable and feel safe.  But I forget to think about myself.  A conversation with a friend the other day pointed to survivors having that mindset.  I can see that line of thought.  I almost didn't want to blog the last few days.  I just wanted to isolate myself.  And then I thought...what if that very day....someone is hurting, and could use my thoughts.   And that made it better.  So today...we go through our day, experiencing the human process.  Smile for someone.  Greet them and say...hi.  You never know if that one small gesture makes their day.  I will start it.  I hope you have a spectacular day.  Jeremy is working late so I get to spend time with him this morning. And then tonight I have dinner plans with a friend.  And tomorrow we have Ashley's Choir thing! How exciting!