There is that dream

There is that dream of wholeness.  As I finished that line....I felt something.  Some of it was flashbacks of being on a track when I was younger.  The last part of the race is on actual track.  I left my party to run the last leg of the race.  3 adults and 2 kids can't always make for running an entire 5K!  As it was, it was the first time I even attempted any running for it.  "D" was able to make it and that made me so happy.  I know how much it meant to her to be there to support me.  And that meant so much to me.  Yesterday is a beautiful memory now.  I had a seizure.  The running, the emotions of it all, the heat, and kid wrangling probably made for a stressful day on my body.  "D" felt bad but I reassured her I was bound to have one whether the kids were there or not.  It was that much of an emotional day for me.  Actually, the kids made it even more of an adventure lol.  It can be chaotic at times.  But it's been a good lesson learned that I do need some chaos in my life.  Just the right kind of chaos, from the right kind of person.  And right there, by my side, is my devoted husband.  I'm not sure I ever used that word. But that is what I felt.  I have a devoted husband.  He has my back. He is supportive.  And the best friend I could ever have.  That alone could make me emotional lol . Going back to " I felt something".  I felt whole.  I felt proud of myself.  I felt I had accomplished something.  There is that dream to be able to truly be honest with myself and and say...
"I love myself".  I love who I am.  I love who I represent.  I love my personality.  I even love my flaws and clumsiness.  I love my sincerity.  I love my stubborn streak.  And mean it.  I love the confidence I exude now.  Every once in a while in my thoughts, I do get sad...this idea of confidence.  But I sigh...and focus on the positive.  Sometimes I wonder if the confidence, thoughts, triggers, and associations will always have that effect.  I am hoping not.  I am hoping over time that sad and sigh go away.  For my own sake.  And then, all I have to do is look over to Jeremy.  And smile.  Because no matter what...no matter what I go through, no matter challenges, storms, obstacles...I have him.  I even asked for something that normally I would shun.  But it was a want and need.  I'm sore all over. But it was my feet that needed a massage.  In the past, I would not even dream of asking.  And there I was asking. Can you massage my feet, Babe? Without even a hesitation...He massaged them.  Silly silly stupid girl.  This man loves you. And now you finally see it because you have the confidence.  And I really called myself stupid.  It's a word.  I can't let it have the power it's had.  Lesson learned. Don't let negativity have the power it has over you.  Don't let words trigger you.  So, thank you for being on this journey with me.  Thank you for reading my words.  You don't even know what it means that you read my words.  I'm still figuring out the lessons in life.  But thank you for being my quiet space where I share my thoughts.  It's been a sort of therapy for me.  You, quiet spaces of the blog, have been my therapy.  And yes, I'm crying. But they are happy tears.  Oh, are they happy tears!