Where I am

As I wrote the sentences on Facebook about being a survivor, I could feel a swell of anxiety.  I had never really put my rape in such a public forum.  However, that's the point of having a voice.  I want people to know that it can happen to someone you know.  I wanted people to see what a survivor looked like.  What someone with healing looked like.  But I did it.  I am so proud of myself of where I am.  I can feel the tears welling up because of the journey I have taken to be at this moment, in this time, going to the 5k, where I am.  And I still have more journey to go.  I still have more healing to go.  But Where I am....is great.  My name is Jessica Kearney. I was 19 when it happened.  His name was Javier Gonzales.  And he was my boyfriend at the time.  Eventually, I married him to justify to myself that the abuse he gave would not be abuse if he was my husband.  I cringe to believe that's what I believed.  But he had me believing a lot of things.  He had me believing I was worthless.  Stupid.  I couldn't do better than him.  I am such a different person today.  But that girl, that scared self doubt girl still lives inside. And so every day, I make a choice to not feed into that self doubt. Not feed into negativity.  Not feed into anything that will detract from my healing.