Leading up to tomorrow

There is some type of anticipation in me that I feel about tomorrow.  20 years in the making.  I've been waiting 20 years to walk this for others because they don't have a voice.  But I do, now.  And tomorrow....that will be my dream come true.  One of my friends is desperately trying to walk it with us but "D" has so much to juggle at times, I don't blame her that she can't.  I admire her so much.  Funny, she admires me so much.  Yah for seeing beautiful things in each other.  It had been a few months since I had to do the ...well if we are going to be friends friends...I need to tell her this information. Strange thing. "D" and I have been friends for 7 years.  But not to the level where we weren't just passing friends.  She struggles with a condition as well.  So she understands trying to have to balance it all.  And here she is trying to desperately go to this event. Why? Because of my story.  Because when I shared my story, she had no idea that I was hiding that inside me all these years.  That smile held so much pain before.  Over the years, old classmates and other friends have seen me. And until now, I really only shared it in intimate levels of my friendship. I always shared the truth and facts. But never the gritty details. Never the feelings I got from entire experience. I only spoke that with those whom I had an intimate level of trust with.  The kind of trust you have with very few people.  I have had so many walls built up inside me.  I didn't allow myself to understand that it was okay to trust people.  They wouldn't turn on you.  Interestingly enough, I don't know whether I believe in that statement or not.  But here is something I do know.  I am a changed person.  Dates are important for me in some ways because they gauge for me an emotional state or catalog for how I feel by what I know of the date.  August 1, 1996.  That's the date of the rape. 2:10 or 2:15 p.m. That's the time of the rape. That is a crucial date for me every year.  Until last year when I was going into it like a warrior.  That was a new experience.  Now, the 5K.  I am going into it whole.  That's a new experience too.  After so many years with Jeremy I really actually told him details of what happened.  I was scared in the past to do that.  I wish I can tell you why? Judgement? I honestly don't know the answer.  I discredited myself so much, it spilled onto my relationship with Jeremy.  And it stunted our growth.  At the same time he also wasn't at the growth to be able to be where we are today.  It astonishes me our evolution.  Our talks are amazing.  The intellectual talks were already amazing but they come with so much more now.  And yes, emotions come up.  But ever since my new approach to the subject, it made all the difference.  We open up to each other.  I appreciate our candor.  I hadn't realized how much I crave candor now.  I love our new routine in the morning that has been around for 3 months.  I go downstairs with him and we just talk.  Sometimes about ridiculous things.  But sometimes about serious things.  And always about appreciation of each other.  That's a new normal.  We constantly vocalize what we appreciate and what we like in each other and our relationship.  My heart burst from these words.  It is an important part of my love language. His is service and words.  So...what does tomorrow mean for me? So much.  I have a new struggle of trust again because of recent events.   But anytime that struggle happens...I just look at Jeremy.  And words cannot describe but we try anyways...to figure out how my struggles from 20 years affect me.  And how my struggle affects him.  In the midst of all of this...I have two amazing best friends that love and accept me for who I am.  Apart from that I have a couple of other friends that with their fiesty help me keep my warrior sense of me.  I have a beautiful friend in CC.  The one person who knows the struggles I go through because she went through them with Javier.  It's scary on how someone can be.  I listen to her story and realize he hasn't changed one bit.  I have my kids.  Though it's not a constant things with them because they are teens.  I have a good relationship with them when we do interact.  I have a good relationship with their mom, Chicky D.  One of the outcomes of becoming close to someone...they get a nickname. I am also grateful for the kindness from some ex best friends, ex boyfriends, and an ex fiance.  You didn't have to calm my heart and console my soul.  But you did because I was Jess...and I was worth doing that for.   I don't regret the event.  I don't regret Javier.  I wouldn't be the person I am today without that particular moment in my life.  I have regrets right now. But mostly because I am mad at myself for sometimes letting the wrong people in  and trusting the wrong people.  And then...I remember that no matter what I will forgive past hurts.  Past betrayals.  Why? Because all that pain inside me is not worth lugging around.  I have felt so free being this happy the last 3 months.  20 years. 30 years...However or whomever has hurt me...I forgive you.  I'd rather be happy.  I choose happy.  Leading up to tomorrow...I choose everyday to be happy.  Some days it will be more of a challenge to keep that promise to myself.  But I am worth it.  I am so worth choosing happiness.